If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
I don't exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.
Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology. See also Trees.
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”
“Strange,” he answers. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse says to the second, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“Huh,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That’s weird,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”
A few hours before dinner, put Mentos in an ice cube tray along with water. Buy some soda. When your guests arrive, all them if they want ice In their drink. If you film this and put it on YouTube, it will totally be worth it. See also Pranks.
Sorry did I say iPad? I meant EYE PAD. See also Pranks.