Spiro7860's Entries
Funny Jobs
1. Certified Emotion Fluffer
Responsible for keeping the emotional morale of office plants, forgotten coffee mugs, and slightly neglected coworkers at peak levels. Duties include whispering affirmations to ferns, validating staplers' existence, and gently reminding Bob in Accounting that he is enough.
Fluent in passive-aggressive Post-it notes.
Can interpret sighs, side-eyes, and printer groans.
Excellent at pretending to cry at mediocre birthday cards.
Paid in leftover birthday cake slices and cryptic compliments from upper management.
Funny Jobs
2. Senior Vice President of Snack Procurement Strategy (SVPSPS)
DESCRIPTION:
Oversees the highly sensitive and politically fraught operation of choosing, acquiring, and hiding the best snacks in the office. Must navigate inter-departmental tensions caused by missing granola bars and passive-aggressive notes on the fridge.
RESPONSIBILITYS:
Conduct quarterly audits of the communal snack drawer (a.k.a. the Crumb Zone).
Mediate turf wars over the last bag of spicy chips.
Strategically deploy decoy healthy snacks to throw off rival snack raiders.
SKILLS:
Stealthy crunching.
Deep knowledge of expiration date manipulation.
Master’s degree in Vending Machine Diplomacy.
PERKS:
Unlimited access to trail mix
Funny Jobs
3. Certified Pet Emotion Translator (CPET)
Job Description:
Acts as the emotional interpreter for pets, decoding meows, tail flicks, and judgmental stares into actionable insights for clueless humans. Daily tasks include explaining to cats why the red dot isn't real and assuring dogs that yes, you will come back from the grocery store.
Required Skills:
Fluent in Barklish and Meowinese.
Comfortable being ignored by cats professionally.
Able to cry on command when a goldfish looks disappointed.
Compensation:
Paid in belly rubs, lint rollers, and existential dread from birds.
Funny Jobs
4. Pawsonal Assistant
Job Description:
Provides full-time administrative support to a spoiled pet. Manages chew toy inventory, schedules daily zoomies, and filters fan mail from obsessed humans. Must accompany pet boss on walks, naps, and dramatic window-staring sessions.
Required Skills:
Proficient in belly rub timing.
Experience negotiating with squirrels.
Willing to cancel own plans if pet is “not in the mood.”
Benefits:
Complimentary fur coating on all outfits, constant supervision while using the bathroom, and unlimited exposure to The Judging Stare™.
Funny Jobs
5. Chief Barketing Officer (CBO)
Job Description:
Leads all marketing efforts for dogs trying to increase their social media presence. Crafts on-brand barks, curates photogenic head tilts, and schedules butt-sniff networking events. Must maintain the illusion that the dog runs their own account.
Required Skills:
Photoshop for paws.
Knows optimal treat-to-engagement ratio.
Can write 50 hashtags without crying.
Perks:
Free squeaky toy consulting, VIP (Very Important Pup) lounge access, and occasional slobbery bonus payments.
