Funny Quotes

81. "Time wounds all heels."

Who else but Groucho Marx?

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Funny Quotes

82. "OMG, my neighbour is stalking me! I saw her Google my name on her laptop through my telescope!"

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Funny Quotes

83. "I like sleep. You're alive but unconscious."

Thank you, Rita Rudner! See also Sleep.

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Funny Quotes

84. "Well, well, well. If it isn't the consequences of my own actions."

A graduation quote from my yearbook.

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Funny Quotes

85. "AUUUUAGAUUGUGGUGAAHGGHHHHH."

-Chewbacca See also Star Wars.

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Funny Quotes

86. "70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots."

Attributed to Bill Murray.

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Funny Quotes

87. "A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop."

This is apparently Al Pacino's favorite joke, as claimed by Johnny Depp on Letterman. See also Celebrities.

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Funny Quotes

88. "Here's all you have to know about men and women; woman are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason woman are crazy is that men are stupid."

- George Carlin See also Men, Women.

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Funny Quotes

89. “The Average Dog is a Nicer Person than the Average Person.”

– Andy Rooney
See also Dogs.

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Funny Quotes

90. "When life closes a door, just open it again. It's a door, that's how they work."

- Captain Obvious

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