"I'm contemplative, yet sincere--intellectual, yet spontaneous. And I have no idea what to do with this hand."
This is a classic Dad Joke, where one pretends to be astonished at the $7.13 one is paying for coffee and a sandwich (best used if there is another person at the table to appreciate the humor). See also Parents.
Dude. Do us a solid. Add your own funny thing to do.
It never quite gets them dry, but its still pretty funny to pull them out and put them on in front of your friends. See also Kitchen.
Drunk? Bored? At a lame college football game and need a break? Glamorously smoke steam with your girlfriends and giggle all the way to the bathroom. See also Smoking.
It is a categorical imperative that I wear this monkey as a hat. All people in this situation have an ethical duty to treat this monkey in the same manner. See also Philosophy.